As a culture, we’re scared to talk about money. It’s primal. Money means survival. Without it, we may die. Talking about money can threaten our sense of inner worthiness (“I don’t have enough” or “I have too much and should be sharing it more”), and that can trigger our ancestral fight-or-flight response. It’s that fight-or-flight response or fear that keeps us from talking about or mindfully engaging with money. But, will that path of avoidance or reactivity bring you freedom and spaciousness? I fell in love with meditation practice when my teacher said “Mindfulness is meant to illuminate all topics, not just the comfortable ones.” The benefits of practice come from inviting all feelings to visit and shining the light of awareness on the scariest ones. Particularly at this time of financial uncertainty and loss, how do we bring our full and open receptiveness to all that is arising in our financial lives? The COVID-19 pandemic, though an uninvited guest, bears gifts of more time and less travel, the ability to discern value beyond money (like the importance of friendship, our health, and our sense of humor), and the recognition that we can live with less. With fewer distractions, this moment offers a boundless opportunity to deepen our connection to our closest friends, work colleagues, family members, and ourselves, to cultivate a freedom in the midst of upset, shame, numbness, or guilt—whatever is arising. The courage to be present with and to voice our discomfort with money has the potential to liberate all of us.
The Gift of Money Vulnerability
Recently, a participant in my weekly mindfulness group mentioned to me that she was struggling with money as her restaurant business was reeling during the pandemic. I encouraged her to share with the whole group during her check-in. She hesitated because she didn’t wish to be perceived as begging for money. When she finally felt ready to be vulnerable and share her money secret, the group responded with compassion and love. Some of us sent her notes of support, others sent her money. While she may not have wanted to appear “needy,” the truth is that she did, indeed, need money. Speaking about her money challenges was beneficial for all members of the group: Her openness gave others the opportunity to strengthen their generosity muscles, while she herself felt their support, knew that she mattered to people, and ultimately received much needed help with her bills. It also buoyed her confidence to find a job. It’s unlikely it would have happened without that Courageous Money Conversation (CMC). Of course, she is heartbroken with the potential loss of her restaurant, but she has a reserve of newfound energy with which to tackle the uncertainties ahead. Her wisdom is now much more available to her as she moves from paralysis and fear to acceptance and action.
The Call for Courageous Conversation
Here’s a list of hypothetical conversations that could unleash vitality and lead to a transformed relationship with the other party, and with money itself: Ask yourself: Is there a conversation with a friend, child, parent, sibling, business partner, boss, that you think about initiating, but keep avoiding? Of course, there may be times when a CMC doesn’t go as planned. But, when I look back at my and my clients’ lives, I can’t name a time when an intentional well-planned money conversation didn’t produce more positive than negative outcomes. It’s a risk with outsized potential rewards.
How to Have a Conversation About Money
Next, here are four tips for how to have that conversation: Having a CMC, like any conversation, might not produce a specific outcome, but it can heal and energize any relationship. It can also help you to feel powerful and effective with money. Letting go of our fearful taboo around discussing money matters is one way we can use the pandemic to our advantage. Let’s shine the light of mindfulness on what’s actually happening in our relationship to money, and use that light to deepen relationships and liberate ourselves from old money behaviors. Mindful Courageous Money Conversations offer a surprising gateway toward personal growth and transformation.
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Spencer Sherman June 11, 2020
Bari Tessler December 18, 2018
Wendy O’Leary August 17, 2020
